The year was 1996 and I had just bought a secluded house, where my only neighbors was the graveyard next door.  I knew that I would not get any trick or treaters and I had decided just to stay at home rather than fight the holiday traffic in order to attend any of the parties planned for the night.  I spent part of the day making a couple of small platters of my favorite snacks and stocked the refrigerator with Diet Pepsi.  I placed a small pile of videos on top of my television and I surveyed my apartment satisfied that I was prepared for the evening.

Before the sun set beyond the mountains, the dark clouds began to fill the sky.  In any other year, that would have indicated a heavy snowfall, but this was an unusual year with temperatures well above normal.  I could not have imagined just how different this year was going to be.  I turned on the deep fryer so that I could make myself a plate of buffalo wings that I had prepared earlier in the day.  In the living room, I set up a couple of heavy duty TV trays and supplied each with several paper towels , with a warm wet wash cloth on the tray that would hold my wings.

By 8:00 that evening I was ready to go.  I changed into some comfortable lay about the house clothes, popped in a video of The Saw and kicked back to enjoy my evening.  I could hear the rain falling outside and I moved to the front door to look outside.  The night air was warm but a cool breeze swept down the mountain.  Halloween began working on my mind and I swear I saw shadows moving furiously in and around the graveyard.  I could feel the hair stand up on the back of my neck.  I tried to laugh it off.  I closed the door and locked the door, including the two dead bolt locks.

I was well into the movie, when I began hearing distant booms from outside as a rare October thunderstorm made it’s way in my direction.  I wasn’t concerned because I figured it would only enhance the mystique of the night.  But as the storm got closer, the lights blinked a couple of times and I was kicking myself for never buying candles or flashlights in case the power ever went off.  I imagined noises coming from the crawl space beneath the house and then suddenly the lights went out and the storm outside intensified.

I heard a strange noise outside and using my lighter, I was able to find my way to the front door.  Pulling the curtains back, I looked outside when a flash of lightening hit and I swore I saw a shadow moving across my lawn.  Still using the lighter, I  grabbed  a plate off one of the trays and carry it into the kitchen and put it away in the refrigerator.  Before I could get the second tray, I thought I heard a knock on the door.  My house was the last one on a dead end road and I wasn’t expecting anyone.  I decided to ignore it.

Then the knocking became progressively louder until I could no longer ignore it.  Perhaps someone had gotten lost and had driven into a ditch.  They might need help.  I refused to give into my fears.  Once again, I used my lighter to find my way to the front door.  I disengaged all of the locks and swung the door open.  I couldn’t make out what was at my door except that it was very short and very wide.

just then a flash of lightening illuminated my yard and I could see what was at my door.  I screamed, my blood ran cold and I broke into a cold sweat.  There at my door was Janet Reno and she was wearing a teddy.  Suddenly I could see what she had in her cold clammy hands.  It was a box of twelve dozen condoms.  I wet myself and remember calling for my mama.

To this day I cannot sleep with the lights off.  Oh, the humanity.