Dear Donald:
Thank you for your recent epistle. You know how much I look forward to our little chats. Especially those that begin with my full name: My Fellow American.
Since it’s after Cleveland and we’re on a first name basis, I thought now might be a good time to toss a few questions your way. I figured you wouldn’t mind, seeing as how we’re such good friends and all. So here are a few:
- When do you plan on warping out of Wrath of Khan orbit and locking phasers on your true opponent? (Hint: She’s pant suit girl.)
- Can you kindly not say something utterly stupid for the next 20 minutes or so?
- Seeing as how you’re as predictable as weather, as consistent as a bowlful of Jell-o and as genuine as Milli Vanilli, how can we trust you on Supreme Court appointees?
- Are you in this race to win or throw it for Hilligeddon? Because if it’s the former, you sure have a funny way of showing it.
- How much did you pay for Luca Brasi clones to show up and strong arm in Cleveland?
- Given your solid-as-the-Rock-of-Gibraltar persona and whirling dervish whiplash shifts on everything from Planned Parenthood to releasing your tax returns, how are we to trust you with, oh, I dunno, nuclear launch codes? Or the key to the squash court?
- When are you going to stop trotting out your every campaign gaffe and refreshing everyone’s memory about your towering jerkisms?
- Can you kindly stay on message for a nano-second?
On a personal note, I’ve noticed that you’re upset about being “viciously attacked” at the DNC convention. Well dear heart, have you read any of your own tweets lately? Your flowery commentary on Dr. Ben? Your charming remarks about Carly? Those ridiculous birther attacks? That Lyin’ Ted crap? The Rafael Cruz – JFK assassination nonsense? And the garbage you and your good buddy Roger Stone cooked up at the National Enquirer?
By the way, what’s up with the “intervention” thing? Because if that doesn’t inspire confidence in a nominee, what will?
Peace out.
