Temperatures are dropping. It’s cold outside. Right on cue, the Perennially Outraged/Coloring Book Crowd is showing us why anyone with an I.Q. above a potted plant is gagging on their latest Outrage Du Juor. (Kind of like the average reaction to Aunt Gertie’s brick mortar disguised as “fruitcake.”) The Crowd’s latest target as the mercury dips downward? That evil, sinister seasonal chestnut: Baby, It’s Cold Outside. The charge? The tune promotes date rape.
Yes, friends, this Christmas classic has a double-meaning placing it high on the Naughty List. We know this is true because Leftistas say so. Here’s the Dean Martin version, for your listening outrage. Brace yourself:
Clearly “icky.” “Sinister.” Especially compared to, say, four dead Americans in Benghazi. The Clinton Foundation. Basement email servers. Bill Clinton and Co. Anthony Weiner. Hamilton Electors.
To be sure, the tune is smarmy. Not exactly “merry and bright.” But neither is Nancy Pelosi.
So, if we’re going to ban everything that sounds sycophantic or colors outside the PC lines, let’s at least be consistent. And no more pussy-footin’ around, okay? Be bold. Like deep-sixxing:
- We Three Kings – Numeric discrimination, gender exclusive
- O Come, All Ye Faithful – No participation ribbons; “triumphant” sounds too bellicose
- Jingle Bells, It Came Upon the Midnight Clear – Climate insensitive, offensive to AARP, sexist
- Hark! The Herald Angels Sing – Check out verses two and four. Sexist! Imperialistic! (Never mind that these lyrics are among the most profound in any hymnal. E.g., waaay over the head of your average Leftista)
- White Christmas – Racist!
Don’t even get me started on Rudolph or I Saw Mommy Kissin’ Santa Claus. Oh, the horror! Ditto mistletoe. It is a parasite, ya know. Much like your average Leftista.
And, lo! If there’s a valid charge related to Baby, it’s that its lyrics are among the most brainless in all Yuletide-dom. After all, “I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell” is now a hanging offense, right? Tip: If you don’t like the sappy song or find it otherwise offensive, Don’t Listen. Translation for Leftistas: If you don’t like the sappy song or find it otherwise offensive, Don’t Listen.
Behold. Not even Dieffenbachia takes The Coloring Book Crowd seriously. In the meantime, I hear Wal-Mart is having a two-fer sale on crayolas. Let me know if you need help stalking up (that’s not a typo). Or tracking down Aunt Gertie.
One more thing. As long as we’re being “bold,” it doesn’t get much better than this.
So suck it up, snowflakes:
This article originally posted at the author’s personal blog, Conservelocity.