• May 27, 2024

If Democrats Ran the Olympics

The curtain rang down on the Rio Olympics with Team USA winning the medal race by a wide margin. Powered by stratospheric performances from Simone Biles, Michael Phelps, Katy Ledecky, Allyson Felix and Matthew Centrowitz, Team USA harvested a bumper crop of medals, nabbing 46 gold and 121 medals overall.

Winning is contagious. Chants of USA! USA! swept through bleachers and stadiums like grains of sand on Copacabana beaches. The Stars and Stripes waved so many times at so many Olympic events, I lost count. It was enough to make a body stand up and cheer at nose-bleed volume (I’m hoping the neighbors’ ear drums have recovered).

Winning. It’s what Americans do. (Translation for libs: Winning. It’s what Americans do.)

The Olympic Games is a meritocracy. Doing well means endless hours of hard work. Discipline and sacrifice. Perseverance. Rugged individualism. You may have noticed that some segments of American society have yet to get that memo.

Here’s how the competition would likely look like if Democrats ran the Olympics:

  • The men’s 4×100 relay is re-run until no one drops a baton or is charged with a lane violation.
  • Michael Phelps starts from the parking lot rather than the starting blocks.
  • High jump and pole vault bars set at equal heights because raising the bar incrementally might – sniff! – eliminate some competitors. Someone might actually clear the higher elevations. And we wouldn’t want that now, would we?
  • The “steeple”chase will become the “crescent” chase. Because… Islamophobia.
  • In order to “pay her fair share,” Simone Biles starts her floor ex routine with a 30 point deficit.
  • Disgraced Debbie will open the Games.
  • An American athlete sans any Olympic accomplishment will carry the U.S. flag during Opening Ceremonies, because…. “hijab.”
  • Grueling individual events such as the 800M and 1500 runs will be replaced with Patty-Cake Play, Rolling Out a Perfect Pizza Crust and Removing a Pickle Jar Lid. So everyone has a chance to make good.
  • Everyone! Everyone! will replace USA! USA! so as not to hurt anyone else’s feelings.
  • All athletes shall consume Lunches by Michelle Obama. No exceptions. Because nothing says “fuel up” like a government food program.
  • Competing teams segregated by country seems so… segregated. Therefore, geographical-based discrimination will be ended by eliminating country-by-team designations altogether.
  • A government Pay-Per-Ounce-of-Perspiration program will be in effect immediately.
  • Torches held high, Black Lives Matter will lead Team USA into the stadium at Opening Ceremonies.

If you’re concerned about “gender bias” and any other perceived “inequities” or “unfairness” – real or imaginary – don’t worry. Democrats can take care of that, too. If the Boo Hoo Brigade ran the Olympics, look for:

  • Fellas who don’t make the men’s team can “self-identify” as female, join the ladies’ team, and displace women who qualify based on merit. In the interest of “gender equity.”
  • Every team uniform shall be green. No oranges, yellows, purples or blacks or polka-dots. Imperialistic red, white and blue outfits shall be strictly banned. Ditto all other colors in order to promote “climate change” awareness via chartreuse.
  • Every pool will be green. See above.
  • All messages shall be routed through Hillary’s email server.
  • If you earned your medal, you can keep your medal – until a Democrat-controlled Congress decides otherwise.
  • All competitions involving a sight and a trigger will be immediately discontinued.
  • Women’s beach volleyball? Are you kidding?!
  • Bob Costas will broadcast from an unsecured studio in the nearest private basement.
  • Katy Ledecky will swim with both arms tied behind her back and 10 pound weights on each leg. To “even out” the competition.
  • “Xenophobic” displays of patriotism shall be strictly verboten.
  • Tom Brady will inflate all soccer balls.
  • Medal redistribution. Because… White Privilege.

In fact, all awards will go the way of the Dodo. How dare any athlete be recognized for out-performing another?

If Democrats ran the Olympics, additional events will include:

  •  Let’s-Hold-Hands-Around-The-Campfire-And-Sing-Kum-By-Yah. Medals determined by whoever sings loudest and longest.
  • Border fence vaulting
  • Martha’s Vineyard Marathon
  • Fastest deficit spending
  • Buck-Passing Butterfly
  • FEMA deployment relay
  • Spare Parts Scavenger Hunt. Competition limited to members of U.S. military
  • Howard Zinn speed reading
  • Uranium toss (only Iranians may compete. Uranium provided by USA.)

What would you add?

Yeah, baby. I’m so looking forward to Tokyo.

 

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