• September 22, 2023

10 New Year’s Resolutions for MTV

The rocket scientists at MTV apparently thought they’d make the season dreary and trite by cooking up a batch of 2017 Resolutions for White Guys. Released on YouTube on December 19, the video sent the idiot-o-meter soaring into the stratosphere while igniting a social media firestorm. (The vid lasted about two days before being disabled. It’s now marked “private.”)

In case you missed it, this stroke of MTV genius featured a bunch of brain surgeons painting “white guys” as clueless, coddled, cave-dwelling Neanderthals while offering unsolicited pearls of wisdom to same like:

  • First off, try to recognize that America was never “great” for anyone who wasn’t a white guy.
  • Can we all just agree that Black Lives Matter isn’t the opposite of All Lives Matter? Black lives just matter. There’s no need to overcomplicate it. Also, Blue Lives Matter isn’t a thing. Cops weren’t born with blue skin, right? I mean? Yeah, they weren’t born blue!
  • Stop bragging about being “woke.” Stop saying “woke.” (“Woke” is a term to describe the awareness felt among black people when they realized how American society was prejudiced against them.)
  • Learn what mansplaining is, and then stop doing it.
  • Just because you (white guys) have black friends doesn’t mean you’re not racist.

Someone needs a mommy very badly.

Not to fret. MTV attempted to short-circuit its own buffoonery by yanking the vid at warp speed. But alert viewers snagged it and broadcast it from sea to shining sea:

Pardon me for pointing out the obvious here, but most of the above aren’t really “resolutions.” They’re more like Pecksniffian sermonizing draped around feeble attempts at hip or happenin’ or Beyonce-in’ or… something. They may also explain why MTV is only slightly more engaging than watching a test pattern or Nancy Pelosi, which are pretty much the same thing.

For those who indulge in this annual bit of frippery, however, a resolution is: 1. The state or quality of being resolute; firm determination. 2. a. A firm decision to do something: made a resolution to get more exercise. b. A course of action determined or decided on: His resolution is to get up early. Or, in MTV’s case, open mouth, insert foot.

But who’s counting?

Since MTV is trying to be relevant these days, much like certain D-grade Tinseltowners or washed-up movie directors bribing electors to change their votes (Hi, Martin Sheen and Michael Whatz-Iz-Name-Again?), we thought we’d return the favor.

So in the spirit of the season and all, here are 10 New Year’s Resolutions/Responses for MTV. If you’re among the arugula and alfalfa sprouts, onion-skin-thin, perennially offended crowd, you might want to grab a coloring book:

  1. First off, try to recognize that America isn’t buying the Shaming of America version of Leftista grateness anymore. (That’s not a typo.) So suck it up, cupcakes.
  2. Republicans won. You lost. There’s no need to overcomplicate it.
  3. You’re right. “Blue Lives Matter” isn’t a “thing.” Can we all just agree that it’s a response to an anti-cop bunch of anarchistic thugs using race to push their anti-cop, anarchistic agenda?
  4. Stop judging people by the color of their skin rather than the content of their character. It sounds a little “racist.”
  5. Learn what libsplaining is, and stop doing it.
  6. This is America. Beyonce can say whatever she wants. So can those who disagree with her.
  7. Beta test your next video on an appropriate audience prior to its release – like lab rats. On second thought, belay that. Use a bunch of lawyers instead.  There are some things that even lab rats won’t watch.
  8. Keep your day jobs.
  9. Get some day jobs.
  10. Look up “resolution.” You’ll find it in the dictionary between “rapscallion” and “ridiculous.” Let me know if you need a road map.

Finally, MTV dear hearts, you do know that most New Year’s “resolutions” don’t outlast the expiration date on a carton of milk, right? Kinda like Miley Cyrus saying she’d flee to Canada if Donald Trump got elected. (Please, God.)

Oh, and Merry Christmas. If you need help with that, just holler.

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