James Comey held a press conference today to announce the results of the FBI’s investigation into John Dillinger.

James Comey:

First of all, I would like to say that I have not consulted anyone pertaining to this report.  I have not spoken to the DOJ or the Senate or House banking committees or any other division of law enforcement anywhere in this country.  Nor have I discussed what I am about to say with any history department of any institution of learning.  Therefore, this report is totally independent.

Eighteen months ago, the FBI was asked to look into the activities of John Dillinger.  Specifically, we were asked to look into his connections with several banking institutions to see if there was illegal activity either by Dillinger or by the banks themselves.  In order to be thorough, we questioned over 300 witnesses including the 31 in my second grade daughter’s homeroom.  We found their input to be very valuable.  In addition, we interviewed his aides  Baby Face Nelson, Pretty Boy Floyd, and Bonnie and Clyde.

The first incident we investigated was an incident at a bank in East Chicago.  Mr Dillinger and a Mr Hamilton withdrew funds from the bank and in the process,  East Chicago patrolman William Patrick O’Malley was killed.  We found that Mr Dillinger did not have funds in that particular bank.  We found that suspicious.  We were also quite disturbed by the death of Officer O’Malley.

The we investigated the Security National Bank and Trust Company in Sioux Falls.  One of the bank’s bookkeepers was applying makeup, when she saw a car pull up with Dillinger and five of his pals and the bookkeeper, , Mary Lucas said:

“If I ever saw a holdup car, that’s one.”

Again, Dillinger made a withdrawal and went on his way.  We found this to be a pattern wherever he goes.  We also found that people died during these little trips to the bank.

Now, on to our conclusions.  At every bank Mr Dillinger stopped at, he made withdrawals despite the fact that he had no money in them, but we checked and could not find that he had any training in banking procedures, therefore we decided that he was just not sophisticated enough to know he had to have an account before he could withdraw money.  As for Miss Lucas’s claim that the car looked like a robbery car, she made that assumption on the tires, making it a clear cut case of radial profiling.  As for the people who were killed and wounded, we could find no evidence of intent.  There we recommend that the DOJ not bring charges against Mr Dillinger.

Please join us next week, when we revweal what we found out about Barack Obama.  Excuse me, that should be Benedict Arnold.  I always get those two confused.