Yes, I know the title should be reading, easy steps for GETTING volunteers.  Well, not in an alternate universe such as Pondforest-pseudo name- Church. I’m going to highlight how many of the staff keep shooting the church ministries in the foot when it comes to volunteers. This makes them dummies for sure!  A lot of manpower goes into these recruiting drives. A full month in advance of the volunteer recruiting drive day, The Mob sends out emails to existing volunteers to volunteer for more service.  Remember, The Mob needs to look busy, busy to continue to collect on those big bucks paid staff jobs.  All our bulletins have added the info for the church goers reading pleasure too… all done up with the snazzy artwork and a “kit n caboodle” of details. Then leading up to volunteer day there are the banners and tables to set up in the specified areas…all the paperwork forms to set out etc.  It must be exhausting for The Mob, so many people to order around, it’s an enormous deal!   So the enthusiastic Greenie Form Filler Outers are ready to get started!  New recruits will attempt to jump through all the hoops, to hopefully become an official Pondforest Church volunteer. Next stop the dreaded interview. You will remember me explaining the process in my chapter titled Introduction to Mrs. Evil Elvis, Ah memories!  So after the interview…if they survived the interview, next comes Orientation Night.

I have heard out of Henchman’s own mouth that this is when the new greenie volunteer is informed ever so firmly before they sign on the dotted line that, “Serving is a one year commitment” I call it ‘The Mother of all Guilt Trips’.  A trip so strongly worded with facial expressions included, that it should blast that Greenie to Infinity and Beyond!  Here is the unspoken interpretation to the One Year Commitment Agreement form, if you have absences for any reason that WE deem invalid, I will rip you and your leader a new one.  I should know, Henchman repeatedly ripped me a new one on this subject.  Somehow it was my fault for any of the teams absences.  My fault for the sick relative’s stories.  My fault for those who had to work on Sundays occasionally.  My fault for a last minute sick call.  My fault for the volunteers to have a life outside of church.  My fault that they did not yet fully realize that their lives were not their own!

Oh boy, tardiness!  Never mind women with children, of which the paid staff have none, zero, zilch, nada.  Or car troubles, lots of us do not have brand new vehicles like the big bucks paid staff do. Or road construction problems around the church streets and lots of it I might add. In my ministry team, there had to be special arraignments made to catch those pesky tardy people, all my observances crafted by Henchman of course! So below my Dummies Guide list of to-do’s.

Easy Steps For Losing Volunteers, So Easy Any Self-Righteous Pharisee Can Do It!

#1.  Rip volunteers-for no good reason- a new one on a regular basis, this will keep them humble.

#2.  Give your team the guilt trip for absences.  The more guilt, the better!

#3.  Especially rip into team members for being tardy. Never accept any excuses, ever!

#4.  Assign mean and nasty leaders over great volunteers.  This should make them tow the line.

#5.  Forget you are dealing with volunteers in a ‘CHURCH’.

#6.  Always have a displeased look on your face when talking to any volunteer, but smile if you are chewing them out.

#7.  Treat everyone under you as your personal slave.  After all, volunteers have no feelings.

As an added bonus for your reading pleasure, submitted here from the great Alligator-Dragon Slayer herself via email all the way from the American Embassy in Kabul Afghanistan. Here is #8.

#8.  Quote, “Lecture on the subject of submission…it makes it easier to flog them.  You must submit to rules such as… you are not allowed under any circumstance to meet, greet, or speak to Pastor and his wife”.

And Voila!  Wave the magic wand, you got disappearing volunteers!  Yeah!!!!

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